i think it's time for an update

Just holding on and trusting God.

We've been on a roller coaster of emotions and a winding track of unknowns.

On Monday the doctors were concerned that this was not a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy.   There was no baby (and no gestational sac) found on the ultrasound in the ER but my hCG levels were high.  Which I guess in laymen's terms that means the baby didn't reach my uterus and is growing in my fallopian tube instead.  The blood test on Tuesday showed a rise in hCG levels as well.  We were told to go straight to the Emergency Room if I experienced more bleeding and cramping along with weakness and faintness.

I hadn't been experiencing much pain so the moment I started feeling all of these symptoms I grew concerned.  If it was ectopic, than the baby eventually bursts the tube and causes internal bleeding.  I was   scared.  So we went on in to the Emergency Room at 11:20 p.m.  And we waited for three hours.  After numerous tests and an ultrasound we felt like we were back at square one.  I had mentioned to my ultrasound tech that I would like to know if a molar pregnancy had been ruled out.  (thank God for the internet--my main source of information)

The results from the ultrasound showed masses of tissue that would be consistent with a molar pregnancy.  And it turns out that is what this has been diagnosed as this far.  In a molar pregnancy there are chromosomal abnormalities that occur at conception and it causes tissue to form that destroys the pregnancy but grows at a rapid rate and makes the pregnancy hormone levels rise alarmingly. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a D & C.  They have to remove all of the tissue from my uterus so that it doesn't continue to spread.  

This was probably wayyy too much information, but I wanted to post it just in case anyone else has had to go through multiple tests and misdiagnosis.  To finally be able to name what you are battling makes the fight seem easier somehow.

Thank you for all your prayers!!  God has knit them together to form a hammock for me to rest in.  There's peace just resting in the sureness of His love.

I heard a song the other day when I tuned in as I often do to the International House of Prayer's live web stream (Monday 9:52 a.m. Tim Reimherr in  archives).  They have prayer and worship twenty-four hours a day every single day.  Powerful, powerful stuff.  The stuff that miracles are made of and revivals are lit by.  Prayer and worship.  Unceasingly.  

God ministered to me so sweetly, reviving my soul like only He can.

And this is the song:

I'm holding on to your divine love

I'm holding on and I'm not letting go

It's not my zeal

It's that your love is strong

It's not my strength 

It's that you're faithful

I look into your eyes of mercy

And I remember that your heart is for me

I just want a heart that is fully in love

Yes, Jesus,

When everything seems so uncertain and there are questions that can't be answered, your eyes hold the one sure thing:  your heart is for me. 

Your heart is for me.

i dislike the word miscarriage

I dislike the word miscarriage.... it sounds like a mistake, a misfortune, an accident of nature.

And I don't believe it is.

So much care, so much attention to detail, so much love goes into everything God makes.

And He doesn't give up on anything He's created.

He makes no mistakes.

Our baby was created for an eternal home.

God gave us a name the week before our baby passed into His arms.

Nation.

What a name.  What a promise.

We don't consider that we have lost our baby, only gained another one in heaven.

We're walking through this right now and taking one day at a time.  I'm just waiting on my body to complete the process of a 'spontaneous miscarriage' as the medical professionals so term it.  And I think the waiting is one of the hardest parts.  

Monday morning, I walked into the Emergency Room knowing something was terribly wrong.  Joel was a few steps behind me having just dropped me off and then parked the truck.  They admitted me into one of their cold impersonal rooms and when I turned around I saw Joel enter with a slip of paper in his hands.  

He told me a man he didn't recognize had walked up to him as he stepped through the doors and handed him this paper then turned around and left.

He unfolded it, read it, and then passed it to me.

There were only these words, but they were like a balm to my soul:

"Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock."

Deuteronomy 28:4: a promise I often cling to; my lifeline now.

gadanke winner

And the winner of a $25 gift certificate to Gadanke is....

by true number generator.....

Lauren of Poppie Lane!!!

Hooray!  I absolutely love Lauren! She recently brought her baby boy home from Ethiopia and their family is just beautiful.

Thank you all for entering the giveaway!

counting blessings

One....

My big hearted, brown eyed boy named Thad

Two....

A curly, dainty little sweetness of a girl named Astair

Three....

Bold, blue eyed, and boisterous--my Boston boy

Four....

A smiling, laughing, absolutely huggable Legend

And....

Now

Five....

mmmmmhhhhmmmm.

I am thankful.

My heart is full.

P.S.  Yes, oh yes.  This means exactly what you think it means!  I'm expecting another blessing!  Which totally explains my absent mindedness lately (although I think after twins, that became a rather permanent condition), my recent purchase of an Enormous jar of pickles,  and vanilla bean cream cheese to dip them in.  Yum.  You know you want some.

Gadanke Giveaway

It's time for a giveaway!!

(because I love you and this will make me feel less guilty for my sporadic posts)

I am so excited to introduce Gadanke handmade journaling products!  

I just love what Katie has created with her little story shop.  These beautiful journals made me remember what led me to the wonderful world of blogging in the first place--a love for words, for stories, for personal reflections, for intimate conversations with my Jesus.  And as amazing as blogging has been, nothing can replace the scratches of ink across paper and the windows to our souls that handwritten words become.

I've always loved to journal.  My journals have become a part of me.  A legacy that I'll pass down one day to my children and their children.  They've provided a way for me to reflect on my life, to put words to emotions that screamed for an outlet, to witness prayers answered.  But sometimes, even for a veteran journaler (that's definitely not a word) like myself, journaling can seem a bit overwhelming at times.

But you wanna know what's so wonderful about Gadanke?  Katie has taken all the guesswork out of journaling.  Yep.  She's made it a no-brainer, fun, artful expression.  No more staring at endless blank sheets of paper and worrying over the fact that you may sound painfully boring.  There is nothing boring about these journals!  Your creativity will soar with the help of her writing prompts, fun inserts, and art work.  She offers baby books, prayer books, travel books, love books, and diaries.  All are made with 100% recycled papers. 

Katie is offering a $25 gift certificate to her shop Gadanke to one of my readers!

Here's how to enter:

1.  Visit Gadanke and tell me which Journal you would love to have for celebrating your story

2.  Please share your e-mail address (so I can notify you if you win)--if you are more comfortable sending that to me, no problem.   My address is joyefuljourney [at] gmail [dot] com

For multiple entries:

1.  follow Katie on twitter  www.twitter.com/makingthishome

2.  Like on Facebook  www.facebook.com/gadanke

3.  Subscribe to her blog  www.makingthishome.com

I'll announce the winner next Friday!!

i'm a big girl now

The other day I painted all by myself.  Oh the joy!

I was at my mother-in-love's house and she gave me the idea.  The kids were sleeping and I got to use "big girl" paints.  I think it's been a little over a year that I've sat down to paint "for real".  And it felt so good.  Not that I don't enjoy the numerous finger paintings and toast paintings, face paintings, toenail paintings, and paintings on mamma's wall.  Those are all fun, but they often require A LOT of clean up. Well, except for the time when we made homemade pudding paint.  We ended up licking the bowls clean and ourselves of course.

This, on the other hand, was stress-free, pain-free, and relatively mess-free.

I feel all growed up.

P.S.   My Dear Friends,

If you still stop by every now and then to make sure I'm yet alive and to read my scattered posts that reflect my scattered brain, I want to thank you from the absolute bottom of my still beating heart.  Life with little ones can be a consuming endeavor and I just want you to know that I love and appreciate your  presence here.  It makes this housewife of toddler county feel so rich in friendships :)

put on a princess dress and dance

Princess Astair at her birthday party (more pics to come!)

Sometimes you just have to put on a princess dress, blow some bubbles, and dance.

Even if you think you've forgotten how to dance.

Even if your heart hurts or you're weary from days and nights of battling on your knees in prayer.

Especially then.

You can dance, you can forget, you can chase bubbles across the lawn as if you didn't have a care in the world...

Because you can trust your Daddy God cares for you.

And He's looking after the details just so you can dance for Him.

Trusting.  Persevering.  Loving.  Forgiving.  Leaning.  Yearning.  Dancing.  Clinging.  Letting go.  Embracing  Jesus.

These are what I'm learning.

waves all around me but still

The Great Wave art print by dreamery studio

When Jesus beckoned me to come walk out on the water

I was so excited I forgot about the waves

All I could see was His face

Inviting me

His hands

Urging me to come

The first steps are shaky but sure

What joy!  What excitement!

Faith like a buoy propels my feet forward

But then what's this that blows across the water?

A wave?  A tempest?  A storm?

No longer are my steps secure

My eyes falter, the face of Jesus blurs

Would He let me sink now when he has called me to His side?

Doubt becomes the most treacherous of waves

An overwhelming urge to save myself

Sinks me further from the only one who can

But then He's there

Strong hands pulling me into the safety of His arms

The face I lost sight of

Now swimming in my tears

Oh Jesus, did I really love my life so much

I would take my eyes off of you just to save it?

It is YOU who called me

It is YOU who will see me through

And I count my life as nothing

Just to walk on the waves to you

Didn't know how else to say it.  So I remembered His Words here and here.  Wrote this poem.  And listened to this song over and over again.

still magnolias

Warmth spreads through cold and tired bones.

A promise, whispers new beginnings.

A mother's prayers for strength being answered.

Gently though.

As the glorious buds of a japanese magnolia

Grace unfolds slowly.

Opens even as it's thankful face gazes

Into the Son.

Living as a mere reflection of The Maker

Casting longing eyes toward home.

It's only through feasting on the glow of heaven

He makes her bloom

Here and now.

Happy Birthday my two three year olds

Those sunshiney smiles!

The Outtake

(before mommy bribed us with chocolate candy)

Oh the love!

(of candy...and each other of course)

My dearest little womb buddies,

You have brought inexplicable JOY to my life!  And not in average doses.  Double!  Double the love, double the fun!  I'm amazed by the treasures you are.  I'm amazed by our journey this far.

You couldn't be any more different.  Maybe that's what keeps me on my toes and praying for wisdom!  Astair, you are so strong and gentle.  Quiet and happy.  You're independent but yet you still love to please.  You know your own mind but leave us all guessing.  You are incredible.  Your sweet curls bouncing as you skip through fields picking flowers.  You have a bouyant spirit that fills our hearts with grace and our home with all things princess and pink (your choice of course).

Boston boy, your personality is vibrant and your love even more so.  You are so expressive and in touch with your feelings!  At three years old, you are already on your way to becoming a social expert.  You never meet a stranger.  Your love for people is limitless.  Strong and affectionate, you are intense in every emotion you feel.  You tell us all you love us a hundred times a day and we feel it to the tips of our toes.

I'm so thankful for EVERY DAY the Lord has blessed me with you two!   I'm surprised by the grace of it all.  God has placed such a limitless amount of extraordinary grace on your lives.  I still look back in awe.  Awed by the experience of being so full.  Holding, nursing, loving, cradling two of you.  

I love being

Your mommy

6 weeks old

10 months old

A year and a half old

Two years old

So much more to come...

sharing the love

I am so excited to be sharing our love story on Danielle's blog Take Heart!  If you haven't visited her blog, you need to!  For the entire month of February she has been featuring love stories and if you are a hopeless romantic like me you will want to read every single one. She is such a fireball of energy and fun.  I just love her!  Oh and she has the most gorgeous hair...really, she does!

books that are our favorites

We are still battling the monster sickness called the flu over here.  We just love each other so much we decided to share.  And no amount of scrubbing with bleach or slathering hands with germ-x or washing linens several times a day has been able to keep it from spreading.  I really thought we were completely over it and I was surprised that Astair hadn't caught it.  But my hopes were short lived and my pretty little girl is now the last one under the weather.

I made homemade chicken noodle soup.  Used the last of our silver shield.  Packed the fridge with fresh berries and broccoli.  Replenished our supply of emergen-c.  And by the way, would you have any home remedies you would like to share?  This tired and desperate mamma will try anything!

I think I've avoided writing this post for some time now because I knew I would be tempted to throw myself a pity party.  Write an "It's my blog and I can cry if I want to" type of post.  A sick house= a humongous work load.  And I haven't been keeping it all together as well as I would have liked.  Okay, that's not entirely true.  The truth is I have failed miserably.  Miserably.  And I don't handle failure (in myself) very gracefully.

Thank God He does.

And He had to remind me that I haven't disappointed Him.  I can't disappoint Him.  He knows what I'm made of.  He remembers that I am dust.  It was HIS breath that filled my being and made my lifeless form pulse with life.  When I am the weakest, when I've reached the end of my strength and I readily admit it, that's when grace flows and His strength knows no bounds.  

It's almost like God releases a sigh of relief, "Phew.  I've been painfully watching you struggle and I've been waiting for you to hand it over to me!" 

So, I'm handing this house over to you, God.  And my weary mommy brain as well.  Come show us what you've got!

(What you just read was only the intro i.e. a much needed mommy venting.  Now on to what this post is really supposed to be about...)

We've been snuggling a lot and reading libraries of books.  My mom sent me a family collection of Vintage Little Golden Books and Wonder Books that my dad had back in the fifties.  We LOVE these old books! Every one is a priceless treasure.  We never tire of them.

We have several other favorite books as well.  Here's a few:

The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Loyd-Jones

I think I could write an entire post on this amazing book.  I still might do that.  My kids are enraptured by every story.  And I can't read it without weeping.  I've been known to sneak away for my devotions carrying only this book with me.  It's the stuff our souls are made of.

My ABC Bible Verses by Susan Hunt

I remember memorizing scripture for Sunday School as a little girl.  It amazes me that I can still remember those verses.  They truly are written on my heart and God brings them to my mind when I need them the most.  I want that deep well of Life to be available for my children.  This book makes it easy and fun!  Thaddeus, at five years old, has already memorized scriptures.  Some of the verses are a little long for my two year olds to remember, but they are growing just by hearing the Word of God.

The Christian Mother Goose Trilogy by Marjorie Ainsborough Decker

Okay, so maybe this one is really just my favorite.  Astair likes it, too.  But she likes it more for the pictures then anything else.  The pictures are so imaginative and playful.  And the rhymes are anything but ordinary.  I grew up reading these books and loving them.  The stories are delightful and yet full of moral muscle.

Hello, Sun! by Sheila Walsh

We've loved this book.  It reveals the heart of our Father toward His children in a way every little kid can understand.  We never look at rainbows without claiming them as a gift, a very personal gift from a very personal God who loves to give us gifts.

I'm learning that sometimes those gifts are wrapped up in ordinary days and unassuming moments, just waiting to be unwrapped for the treasures they are...

what we do...

....when we're sick.  again. (didn't I just write this post?!)

We read lots of books.  

Which is something we have a lot of.  I love books and it makes me so happy that my kids do, too.

We wear slippers all day.

We eat chocolate peanut butter pancakes.

Don't judge.

We wear our superman costume.

And say things like, "Mommy, when Jesus comes back He's gonna kick Satan outta this world"

My favorite quote ever, Thad.

We make forts.

With pillows and blankets from every corner of the house and all the linens from mommy's shelves.  And somehow we get injured in all those pillows and blankets.  Several times.

And then when mommy (who is feeling under the weather herself) starts yelling and having a conniption and has run out of patience--every last drop--we tell her she needs to go spend time with Jesus.

Thank you, my dear little Thad.

Next time, I will do that the very first thing!

a love letter to you

picture:  Adorable Astair with her balloon in the air

This post is celebrating loveliness on Life Made Lovely Mondays.

just the two of us

Last night....

We played hookey.  Skipped an appointment and decided to go on a date.  

Because the truth is we've been driving each other crazy with the stress we've been under.

We pushed aside our full plates, looked into familiar eyes, and talked about nothing and everything of importance.

We laughed, heads thrown back, over jokes only we would find funny, and reveled in the feeling of being known.

There's something so deeply satisfying in this knowledge that we can aggravate and exasperate and get all fired mad at each other but we aren't going anywhere and our love is even fiercer and we still make each other weak in the knees.

We've committed fearlessly to knowing every part of the person we've joined ourselves to.  The strong places as well as the weak.  And it isn't easy all the time.  Nothing of worth ever is.

The air was frigid when we left the restaurant and my teeth were chattering straight down to my toes.  We cranked up the heat and the warm tones of Arcade Fire thawed out our bones.  We talked about old times and how everything has changed and everything is still the same.  We laughed, warm and contented, till our sides hurt.  

And I stole long glances at this man I've loved since I was eighteen.  

how He woos me

the vintage ruby winner

(according to random.org)

***Emily of the sweet little Blueberry's Blog, dear please e-mail me (joyefuljourney(at)gmail(dot)com) your address and I will send you The Matilda Vintage Apron and a Special Coupon Code to The Vintage Ruby!!!***

my laundry laughs while my love alights

I've felt a little trapped inside these lovely walls of mine.

Rain and sleet are formidable outdoors

while sick kids are restless within.

And this is the third week we've been sentenced to such a house arrest.

You would think, since I am home all day,

that I am getting much accomplished.

My laundry laughs at that little joke.

I can't clean my house fast enough to keep up with four little 

people and their imaginative play.

I usually start cleaning (although truthfully I never feel like I stop) 

around nine o'clock in the evening.

Sometime before midnight, though, with laundry still piled high, 

and a house that mocked my progress, I finally gave up.

I reached for my bible as I would a dish in my sink, another chore, a mindless task.

Just one more thing I knew I needed to do, but was too tired

for any enthusiasm.

Emotionally spent and functioning on autopilot.

How would I feel on a date like that?

Just the barest of whispers, but it jolted me from my routine.

Washed my heart in awareness.

My sacrifice is nothing if it is not love.

And Jesus deserves nothing less.

Lord, I want to love you.

Only to love you.

Not just go through the motions.

I want to sit with you with a quiet and adoring heart.

I want to read your words as I would a much

anticipated love letter.

I want you to be my passion.

My blissful obsession.

Sitting there on my couch, with still hands and a quiet soul,

I felt the warmth of His love seep into my veins and 

slip silently down my cheeks.

And it felt so good to be alive.