i think it's time for an update

Just holding on and trusting God.

We've been on a roller coaster of emotions and a winding track of unknowns.

On Monday the doctors were concerned that this was not a miscarriage but an ectopic pregnancy.   There was no baby (and no gestational sac) found on the ultrasound in the ER but my hCG levels were high.  Which I guess in laymen's terms that means the baby didn't reach my uterus and is growing in my fallopian tube instead.  The blood test on Tuesday showed a rise in hCG levels as well.  We were told to go straight to the Emergency Room if I experienced more bleeding and cramping along with weakness and faintness.

I hadn't been experiencing much pain so the moment I started feeling all of these symptoms I grew concerned.  If it was ectopic, than the baby eventually bursts the tube and causes internal bleeding.  I was   scared.  So we went on in to the Emergency Room at 11:20 p.m.  And we waited for three hours.  After numerous tests and an ultrasound we felt like we were back at square one.  I had mentioned to my ultrasound tech that I would like to know if a molar pregnancy had been ruled out.  (thank God for the internet--my main source of information)

The results from the ultrasound showed masses of tissue that would be consistent with a molar pregnancy.  And it turns out that is what this has been diagnosed as this far.  In a molar pregnancy there are chromosomal abnormalities that occur at conception and it causes tissue to form that destroys the pregnancy but grows at a rapid rate and makes the pregnancy hormone levels rise alarmingly. Tomorrow I am scheduled for a D & C.  They have to remove all of the tissue from my uterus so that it doesn't continue to spread.  

This was probably wayyy too much information, but I wanted to post it just in case anyone else has had to go through multiple tests and misdiagnosis.  To finally be able to name what you are battling makes the fight seem easier somehow.

Thank you for all your prayers!!  God has knit them together to form a hammock for me to rest in.  There's peace just resting in the sureness of His love.

I heard a song the other day when I tuned in as I often do to the International House of Prayer's live web stream (Monday 9:52 a.m. Tim Reimherr in  archives).  They have prayer and worship twenty-four hours a day every single day.  Powerful, powerful stuff.  The stuff that miracles are made of and revivals are lit by.  Prayer and worship.  Unceasingly.  

God ministered to me so sweetly, reviving my soul like only He can.

And this is the song:

I'm holding on to your divine love

I'm holding on and I'm not letting go

It's not my zeal

It's that your love is strong

It's not my strength 

It's that you're faithful

I look into your eyes of mercy

And I remember that your heart is for me

I just want a heart that is fully in love

Yes, Jesus,

When everything seems so uncertain and there are questions that can't be answered, your eyes hold the one sure thing:  your heart is for me. 

Your heart is for me.

i dislike the word miscarriage

I dislike the word miscarriage.... it sounds like a mistake, a misfortune, an accident of nature.

And I don't believe it is.

So much care, so much attention to detail, so much love goes into everything God makes.

And He doesn't give up on anything He's created.

He makes no mistakes.

Our baby was created for an eternal home.

God gave us a name the week before our baby passed into His arms.

Nation.

What a name.  What a promise.

We don't consider that we have lost our baby, only gained another one in heaven.

We're walking through this right now and taking one day at a time.  I'm just waiting on my body to complete the process of a 'spontaneous miscarriage' as the medical professionals so term it.  And I think the waiting is one of the hardest parts.  

Monday morning, I walked into the Emergency Room knowing something was terribly wrong.  Joel was a few steps behind me having just dropped me off and then parked the truck.  They admitted me into one of their cold impersonal rooms and when I turned around I saw Joel enter with a slip of paper in his hands.  

He told me a man he didn't recognize had walked up to him as he stepped through the doors and handed him this paper then turned around and left.

He unfolded it, read it, and then passed it to me.

There were only these words, but they were like a balm to my soul:

"Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock."

Deuteronomy 28:4: a promise I often cling to; my lifeline now.

gadanke winner

And the winner of a $25 gift certificate to Gadanke is....

by true number generator.....

Lauren of Poppie Lane!!!

Hooray!  I absolutely love Lauren! She recently brought her baby boy home from Ethiopia and their family is just beautiful.

Thank you all for entering the giveaway!

counting blessings

One....

My big hearted, brown eyed boy named Thad

Two....

A curly, dainty little sweetness of a girl named Astair

Three....

Bold, blue eyed, and boisterous--my Boston boy

Four....

A smiling, laughing, absolutely huggable Legend

And....

Now

Five....

mmmmmhhhhmmmm.

I am thankful.

My heart is full.

P.S.  Yes, oh yes.  This means exactly what you think it means!  I'm expecting another blessing!  Which totally explains my absent mindedness lately (although I think after twins, that became a rather permanent condition), my recent purchase of an Enormous jar of pickles,  and vanilla bean cream cheese to dip them in.  Yum.  You know you want some.

Gadanke Giveaway

It's time for a giveaway!!

(because I love you and this will make me feel less guilty for my sporadic posts)

I am so excited to introduce Gadanke handmade journaling products!  

I just love what Katie has created with her little story shop.  These beautiful journals made me remember what led me to the wonderful world of blogging in the first place--a love for words, for stories, for personal reflections, for intimate conversations with my Jesus.  And as amazing as blogging has been, nothing can replace the scratches of ink across paper and the windows to our souls that handwritten words become.

I've always loved to journal.  My journals have become a part of me.  A legacy that I'll pass down one day to my children and their children.  They've provided a way for me to reflect on my life, to put words to emotions that screamed for an outlet, to witness prayers answered.  But sometimes, even for a veteran journaler (that's definitely not a word) like myself, journaling can seem a bit overwhelming at times.

But you wanna know what's so wonderful about Gadanke?  Katie has taken all the guesswork out of journaling.  Yep.  She's made it a no-brainer, fun, artful expression.  No more staring at endless blank sheets of paper and worrying over the fact that you may sound painfully boring.  There is nothing boring about these journals!  Your creativity will soar with the help of her writing prompts, fun inserts, and art work.  She offers baby books, prayer books, travel books, love books, and diaries.  All are made with 100% recycled papers. 

Katie is offering a $25 gift certificate to her shop Gadanke to one of my readers!

Here's how to enter:

1.  Visit Gadanke and tell me which Journal you would love to have for celebrating your story

2.  Please share your e-mail address (so I can notify you if you win)--if you are more comfortable sending that to me, no problem.   My address is joyefuljourney [at] gmail [dot] com

For multiple entries:

1.  follow Katie on twitter  www.twitter.com/makingthishome

2.  Like on Facebook  www.facebook.com/gadanke

3.  Subscribe to her blog  www.makingthishome.com

I'll announce the winner next Friday!!