the patient pursuit...the way of His love

 { a poem }

I really don't know how to explain it... 

the way God woos me.

Me, unremarkable me.

The one whose house is a mess

and whose erupted emotions have triggered seismographs.

The mom who needs more patience,

or maybe needs more sternness,

or needs them both.

Who most assuredly needs more self control.

And could desperately use some wisdom...

on everything from child rearing to chicken dinners.

The woman who used to keep a running count of her failures,

but the list grew too long to keep up with.

The wife who hates disagreements but even yet,

she argues and won't let a matter drop for anything,

convinced she's right and goes about it all wrong.

And still God pursues me.

Still God looks at me with those eyes so full of love,

I'm tempted to remind him of my failures.

Doesn't He know who I really am?

I've let Him down so many times.

I've set Him aside as I chased after lesser loves.

My heart has doubted and demanded and denied.

And still God wants me.

Still He pursues my heart as if it were a prize.

Who am I, Lord?

That you love me that completely.

That steadfastly.

That you can rule the world and still want my affections.

You invite me into your heart.

And ever so patiently pursue mine.

 { a letter }

My Jesus,

All day I felt Your presence with me.  I chose for worship to fill this house.  Why don't I choose this more often?  I chose to set my mind on You even as children were sick and needed me more than ever, as I settled arguments and corrected attitudes, as I wiped hot heads and wrapped arms around their tired backs.  Songs of worship played quietly in my heart and in my home.  An undercurrent of Your peace was here.  And I realized how desperately I've needed this--Your peace that defies all chaos and convention. 

The kids were tucked in bed and I washed the dishes and swept the floors, picked up toys and cleared the table, scrubbed sticky fingerprints off of sideboards and refrigerator doors.  It was late, and I finally let myself rest.  Tired, but needing a few moments to fill up these empty reservoirs.  And suddenly, You were there.  As if You'd anxiously been waiting for that very moment when there's nothing left to distract me.  And the way You love this heart coaxes tears from tired eyes, fills up all the empty places in me until I think I just might be consumed by it.  Let it burn away the dross in me: the sin and doubt that gnaws holes in my heart, the weariness of life and the drudgery of it all.

My weakness becomes your strength.  My insufficiency finds you sufficient.  And when I would dwell on my shortcomings--all those things that want to hide from the light of your love-- you whisper I'm your redeemed.

How do I go so long without letting You love me like this?  When do rituals replace relationship?  And my temporary wants subtlely compete with my longing for You?

Your love is constant.  Always chasing me and one step ahead of me at the same time.  Just waiting for me to stop long enough to receive it.

To choose it.

To want it.  More than anything else.

And I do, Lord. 

Come and love me like only you can.  

And let me crawl up in your heart and love you right back with all that I am.

-Your Beloved

{ an invitation }

Maybe it's been too long since you've let Him love you.  Maybe your heart is tired and you can't remember what it feels like to be pursued.  To be wanted.

To be loved for who you are when you're at your worst.

Or maybe, just maybe, you've felt forgotten.  Unseen.  Unheard.  And you've found yourself doubting God's heart towards you.

Would you let God sing a song to you?

Would you lay your heart at His feet and let Him remind you-- you are His?

Would you take the time to let Him love you?

He promises to be found by you.

"And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Chasing His heart with all of yours, you'll find He's the One who's been pursuing you all along.

Here's a song for you, dear one.

Hear the truth of His heart towards you in the lyrics below. 

Or listen to the whole session here to be blessed beyond measure by the fullness of Christ's love for you.

More Than Ashes
by Tim Reimherr

I’m more than what these ashes say

They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me

I am the rose, the joy for which you died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

I am the rose, I am the lily
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty

There's going to be a wedding
It's the reason that I'm living, to marry the Lamb

I'm more than what these ashes say
‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me



t h i n g s    i    d o n ' t    w a n t    t o    f o r g e t

that last Sunday before Christmas
when the sky was washed from a winter rain
and the air was sharp and clean
we picked our way around the puddles
till we stood under that old oak tree
the one that's shaded all my babies
and filtered sunlight across a thousand frames

the camera is set to timer and I adjust her legs
my practice shot reveals bare toes in december,
mittens, and biker gloves
it's not perfect
and i'm always a little surprised to find
i like it that way

i don't want to forget
the way it feels to have you home on a weekend
after so many alone
the gratefulness for who we are 
when we're together

these moments with the ones we get to love


All was not calm...but all was bright

It may be the New Year, but I tell you, I can't move on until I post about our Christmas.  I just can't.  I'm stuck in last year until I hit publish on this post.  It just doesn't seem right to rush through my favorite season and close the lid on it and walk away with it tidily tucked away somewhere where I can't see it.  Why does it feel so taboo to post anything remotely Christmasy after New Year's anyway? Why not celebrate it all year long?  The message is the same, whether it's December or July, Jesus came  into our deepest darkness to shine the light of redemption on all our heartaches and failures and He became our flame of hope.  And that's something I need to hear every day of the year.

"All was not calm, but all was bright" has been the overwhelming theme of Christmas this year.  If there's anything these last two years have taught me, it's been that expectations kill joy.  It's not going to be exactly as I imagine in my mushy day-dreamy heart.  And that's not a bad thing.  It's an ok thing.  Daddy had to work long hours and weekends the months leading up to the season of the holy days.  And I said many prayers for single moms out there.  We got into a minor car accident after a trip to see Christmas in the Oaks, and no one was hurt but our van was beyond repair.  So the race to find a replacement vehicle began and the stress of it was enough to make me want to run for the hills and only drive a horse and buggy. All was not calm, but all was bright....

And there, in between the rush, the worry, the messiness of life, there was that warmth that the Spirit brings, the comfort only the Comforter knows how to give, and I love that my Savior isn't fazed by all my frenzy.  He is Peace.  And He invites me into His rest.  He fills my heart with good things.  He surrounds me with His love.  I see Him in the faces of my children and the man who loves me most.  I hear him in the voice of my mother on the other end of the phone, my heart catches when I wish my dad and brother a merry Christmas a thousand miles away.  I feel him in Mimi and Papa D's full house, in the goodness of family, and I know that...

all is not calm but all is bright.


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